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March 15 Heaven Can Wait“Not only is woman's work never done, the definition keeps changing.”
~ Bill Copeland
“Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause — you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.”
~ John Wayne
“I got a taste of paradise
I’m never gonna let it slip away I got a taste of paradise Its all I really need to make me stay –“ ~ Meat Loaf – Lyrics from ‘Heaven Can Wait’
The other evening my wife and I were watching ‘That 70’s Show’, a perennial favorite which reminds us nothing of how the 70’s actually were with the exception of a few prop dressings and music from that time. But that doesn’t matter, it is good comedy which seems harder and harder to find anymore.
The episode revolved around the father who on the one hand was trying to get his son and his friends ushered into college mode away from home, while on the other hand he was trying to walk on the packed land mine field; his wife going through menopause. We laughed as we watched this poor man in his valiant but failing attempt to keep his wife from turning into a raving/crying maniac by trying to say all the right things and being ultra nice (a disposition totally not normal for him). However no matter how comforting he tried to be, it turned always turned into the wrong thing to do.
We laughed and laughed.
As the humor settled and real life began to creep back into my brain, I looked over at my wife and realized that she was about that age where perhaps I should start to worry about the hidden psychopath that possibly lurked beneath.
“So hon” I matter of factly begin, “are you anywhere near the time that this kind of thing would happen to you?”
“Oh I’m sure that I’m already entering a pre-menopausal state” she matter of factly replies. Somewhere deep in the cavity of my hard wired Neanderthal brain, the first peels of the alarm bells are beginning and my legs start to tense up for the ‘fight or flight’ mode.
“Sooooo, What kind of drugs are available to you when this happens?”
Robert Frost wrote the famous poem ‘The Road Not Taken’ in which he espouses that all the difference in the world is experienced by taking the lesser traveled road.
I should have realized that the road was less traveled for a very good reason.
The love of my life looks me directly in the eyes with flesh cutting lasers and states in a clear, calm and a make-no-mistake-about-what-I-am-about-to-tell-you’ voice;
“There will be no drugs that I will take. I’m going to just ride it out”.
The far off peel of alarm bells has grown into a calamitous cacophony, and as I listen to their scream to ‘TURN AND RUN’, I step still yet further down that dark path;
“Sooooo, What kind of drugs are available to me when this happens?”
From outside I hear the panicked barking of the neighborhood dogs.
“Oh no my dear husband” a small, almost mocking laugh slides past her lips, “I need you lucid and alert to help me through this change of life”.
From outside, the panicked neighborhood dogs hear the wailing of a new voice now added to their own.
“Oh NO, NO, NO” I defiantly proclaim “There is no way that I’m going to go through what I just saw that poor man on TV just go through. So if you got to change then go ahead and change, but do it and be done with it.”
Outside, the howling dogs have been joined by the shriek of cats and raccoons. Deer have started to flee to higher ground and birds of a different feather now merge together to get the flock out of here. All of nature is now on the run.
“Look it’s not going to be that bad” she states with the cool reserve of someone holding an ace up there sleeve, “I could have absolutely no symptoms at all. Or it could last up to 5 years”
My head snapped around so hard I was able to see the butt of my pants. “What was that again?”
“I said I could have absolutely no symptoms at all.”
“No, that last little part you snuck in at the end”
“Or” she paused as if to savor the last sip of a fine wine, “It could last up to 5 years”
At that moment I saw my hopes fly out the window and make haste to join up with the rest of the fleeing hoard of creation. I had been waiting for what would become a prolonged 2nd honeymoon. The kids are getting ready to make there own way and we would be free again to be (for the most part) just a couple again. To be able to do what we wanted, when we wanted, without having to check on kids schedules and the like. So much of what we had before the kids became a part of our life; I was looking forward to having once again. I felt cheated, I felt hurt, and very quickly, I felt anger.
“OK. FINE. You go ahead with your ‘All Natural’ plan to ride out this impending hurricane. I’ve always wanted to join the French Foreign Legion. You can reach me there when you’re done because there is no way in Hell that I’m going to walk on egg shells for five years.”
“Oh, but yes you will” and then she laughed. It started as a slow snicker but every second gained strength and depth as if from out of her throat, the maniacal laughter of a thousand shrilling demons shrieked in gleeful madness. The seismic reverb of it made the walls of the living room crack wide open and waterfalls of lava cascaded to the floor and surrounded me like an ocean leaving me stranded on a small island prison. As I looked down at my feet, my dear little sheltie, Bonnie, trotted over the lava wagging her tail. When she got to me, she sprouted two more heads and the three of them together started to snap at my legs.
Then my son Captain Adventure and daughter DD both strolled through the room as if nothing were out of the ordinary and headed towards the door. Before heading out, they both turned to me and said “Dad, were going out to the mall and we need money”.
I screamed like a little girl.
When I looked back, my wife was replaced by a great horned devil and as her laughter subsided, she unfurled a long document and smiled.
“Oh, but yes you will” she repeated in that sickly voice of many, “for I have a contract here, signed by you. Don’t you remember? ‘For better or worse, in sickness and in health. SO LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE’”.
Like an unexpected blast from a fire house siren, she roared with delight as she flung the document at my head. All I could do was to bring my arms up to cover my face…..
When I was brave enough to move the arms that shielded my eyes, I found all to be calm. The TV droned on in the background and across from me on the sofa, my wife was quietly sleeping away. There was no sound of stampede outside, no scorched walls and no lava flows.
A dream. It had been a dream.
But at what part the dream took over from reality I cannot say, because even with the now obvious lunacy of events, it had seemed so real. As the confusion (that always follows dramatic dreams) waned, I watched my wife as she slept and even though I always see her just as I did when we first met, I could make out that the trials of her day; everything from getting the kids up and set for their day, to dinner in the evening and everything in-between, were washed away from her face in the relaxation that one finds in deep sleep. I have never taken the work that she does for her family for granted, but at that moment I think I truly understood just what hardships she endures everyday. Dreams can be as real as a waking moment or just as far removed, but every dream tries to teach us something. It could be a profound revelation or a simple answer to a problem, it doesn’t matter, we dream to discover.
So what did I discover?
I discovered that it is ok to look ahead for a desired something or sometime or someone, so long as the good things that we have in hand at this moment do not suffer in neglect because our focus is out there instead of right here. And also of course, that the best things in life are the ones worth fighting for.
So if this woman who on a day to day basis puts aside her wants in order to see to her family’s needs first, must face a period of dramatic change not of her own choosing, then I’m going to make sure that I am prepared to help her in any way that I possibly can. And even though she may become a maniacal, nasty, weeping, psychopathic scitzo, we’ll be there together, if need be, just the three of us; my wife, myself and my good friend Jonnie Walker Black. And just like that, any fears and reservations that I had about what this new chapter in our marriage might hold, were put to rest.
Just then my kids entered the room and headed for the door. They both turned and started to speak.
I screamed like a little girl.
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