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March 08 Alien Abduction (My trip to Saturn)Chef: Say, did any of you boys see the alien spaceship last night?
Kyle: (pointing at Cartman) Yeah! Fat-boy saw it! Cartman: No! That was just a dream! And I'm not fat; I'm big boned! Chef: Were they the same ones with the thin bodies and round heads? (Cartman gasps.) Stan: They took him aboard their ship! Chef: Wow! Did they give you an anal probe? (Cartman gasps in horror) Kyle: What's an anal probe? Chef: That's when they put this big metal hoopamajoob up your butt. Kyle: Whoa…. They gave you an anal probe, Cartman? Cartman: No, I mean…. Why would they do that?? Stan: Dude, they did, huh?? Aliens shove things up your ass! ~Cast of ‘South Park’ from the episode: ‘Cartman Gets An Anal Probe’
It has been almost 2 weeks since I last left my mark in Cyberville, but to me it seems like it has been only a moment. I am told that this is called the ‘Missing Time’ phenomenon that occurs to those who have been abducted by aliens.
I have spent the last couple of days sitting in my home trying to remember what it was that happened to me and little by little, like waiting for a watched pot to boil, the truth has bubbled it’s way to the surface.
For several months now I have been trying to hide from the fact that we needed a new car. Not so much that there was anything wrong with the car I had; well actually yes, it had everything to do with problems my car was having. It also was spurned on because my daughter DD needed a car to get to her classes and to work (and to the boy friend and the tanning salon and the endless army of friends that she has massed over the years and blah blah blah blah blah). My wife has grown weary of shuttling her around and has made this fact unmistakably known.
Time: Monday, February 26th, 6:45pm
“BUT I LOVE MY CAR”, he pleaded into the deaf ears of his mighty and evil overlord; ‘Wife; The Always Rightimus’
(Just because a car has almost 200,000 miles on it and has lately been on a more intimate relationship with my mechanic than with me, is no reason that I have to get a new car…)
“BUT DON’T YOU SEE”, he whines never knowing when he has already lost a battle “NOW THAT JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN REPLACED, IT’S AS GOOD AS NEW!”
(The other lesson that I have never learned is when to recognize when something has obviously passed its time and needs to go into the light…)
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IT IS ONLY RELIABLE FOR LOCAL TRAVEL NOW? THAT CAR COULD PROBABLY GO ANOTHER KAJABILLION MORE MILES!!!”
(OK, so what if I have to travel insane distances every day to go to work and back. The car is running great now…)
“OH YES IT IS; KAJABILLION IS TOO A NUMBER, A REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG NUMBER THAT ONLY NON- STUPID HEADS UNDERSTAND!”
(Duck flying fork torpedo…)
“I WON’T, I WON’T, I WON’T! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME, I LOVE THAT CAR AND THERE IS NO WAY UNDER THE GREAT HEAVENS ABOVE THAT I AM GOING TO BEND TO THIS MONSTROUS AND UNFAIR DEMAND!”
“Look”, she calmly states as she always does before delivering the death blow, “you need to get yourself a new car...”
“NOT LISTENING; LA LA LA LA LA”
“…because you need something reliable to get to work and back…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…then DD can get your old car…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…so that she can get to her classes…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…and work…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…she needs to be independent of us…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
…Or…
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“… She…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…Will…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“... Never…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…Move…”
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA”
“…Out…”
“LA L……………”
NOTE: Insert Cricket sound here
And so with battle joined and lost, I set out on a quest I did not want to go on. A lot of people I know actually enjoy acquiring a new vehicle; I on the other hand would rather be anally probed by space aliens. I actually believe that the reason I hold onto vehicles way past their time is that I find the whole process too laborious and painful (emphasis on the pain part). An endless day at the Wheeler-Dealer; picking, testing, mulling, haggling, waiting, haggling, waiting, paperwork, waiting, waiting, waiting. By the time all is said and done, I am an empty husk.
My wife, when she is on the hunt for an item, will research the product to death with consumer reports, product data safety sheets, customer evaluations, spread sheets, astrological calculations, tea leaves, argumentum ad nauseum. I on the other hand will go out and rely on ‘The Force’. The Force is a wonderful tool which like a divining rod, will lead me directly to the needed item (by passing all others) and I will proclaim without so much as a cursory look around “I’ll take that one!”
My wife thinks I’m an idiot.
The Force unfortunately proves her point.
Using The Force is at best a 50/50/90 shot (If there is a 50/50 percent chance of getting it right, 90 percent of the time I will get it wrong).
The Force Sucks and I know it, but I would gamble on it every time I go car shopping as opposed to the alternative.
This time however, I decided that I would impress everyone on the block by actually doing it the way normal people would (a scaled down version of my wife’s method).
And so I researched and did my homework to seek out the car for me. I read the consumer reports, I studied the test results from several well known auto industry testing sources, I scowerd the internet for the best deals.
All in all it was a very productive 57 seconds.
And so I set out the following day with the air of a man walking ‘The Green Mile’.
During the 57 seconds of research I did, I decided on the Saturn Vue. I’m sure that there were many good reasons on why I chose this vehicle but that part of my memory is still missing. The part I do remember was that it was shiny and I wanted it.
Time: Tuesday, February 27th, 9:55am
With steely determination not to be ‘taken for a ride’ and to be the one in command, I walked into the Saturn Dealership and was immediately greeted by a humanoid with the biggest set of shiny white teeth I have ever seen in my life….
Time: Tuesday, February 27th, 4:18pm
I am riding home in my new Saturn Vue.
And that is all I remember.
I have no idea what happened between 9:55am and 4:18pm. I am aware of only two things: First; at that moment I am riding home in an environment with that ‘New Car’ smell to it. The second is that my butt itches.
******
The remainder of the 9 days that I’ve been absent, I’ve spent just laying low and trying to put all the pieces together.
Item: On February 27th of this year I made my wife happy by purchasing a new vehicle for myself which is highly evident by the big smiles and loads of canoodling. She says “I love your Vue”. I say to her “You look pretty damned Hot yourself”
Item: I have made my daughter DD very happy as she now has her own set of wheels with which to cause a whole new chapter of heart burn for her parents (didn’t see that coming did you sweetheart!)
Item: Whatever happened that day, I got what I wanted and I’m pretty sure I got it for the price I wanted. Pretty sure. Or is that an implanted thought in my head?
Item: When ever I go near the TV, my butt starts to itch and I suddenly get 100,000 TV stations from across the galaxy.
The Truth Is Out There!
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