“Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.”   ~  Patrick Buchanan

“The only thing we learn from new elections is we learned nothing from the old.”  ~  American Proverb

“How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?”  ~  Charles de Gaulle

I spent the day working on what is referred to in my castle as ‘The never ending job’. Basically this title applies to any project that I set out to do. Starting is quick & easy; finishing however is usually clocked by the change of seasons. At this particular time ‘the never ending job’ title belongs to the bathroom remodel. This 8 day project was launched on July 5^th.

Today is November 7^th.

Enough said for now about that.

I was waiting for my wife to get home from work and together we would go down to the school where the voting for our district was being held. She just didn’t know this yet.

“Hon, are you almost home?”

“Just a couple blocks away, why?”

“Election Day. We need to Vote”

“Oh is that today!” She had been extra busy at work the last couple of months as they were shorthanded and hadn’t had a moment to even look at who is running. “Did you look at the ballot? Who is the Pro-life candidate?”

WE INTERUPT THIS STORY WITH AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE EMERGENCY SOAP BOX SYSTEM….

My wife and I are both very much Pro-Life. Basically you can have a big red ‘S’ on your chest, leap tall buildings with a single bound and never fuss up that neat little curly queue thingy of hair that dangles on your forehead, but if you are not Pro-Life then you are a  Super Dud. Unfortunately as this election would have it, there was no true Pro-Lifer on the ballot, which means that we have to chose the lesser evil. We still cast our vote, but I can tell you it doesn’t sit well at all.

I am sorry if any of you who now read this are Pro-Death (hey, lets just call it what it really is. Calling it Pro-Choice simply means that your choice is the death of an innocent while giving it a more palatable title. Hitler did much the same thing when he chose to call his program of genocide against the European Jews ‘The Final Solution’. Sounds so neat and tidy don’t it). Now before those of you who subscribe to the party of the second part begin your well worn list of excuses why you believe what you believe; yes, I do accept as true that as with anything in life there are no absolutes and that there will be special circumstances when the taking of fetal life will need to be done. This is not the forum for this particular discussion and I will pursue it no further except to say that it involves more important dynamics than the stale argument of a women’s right to choose. Hey you want to choose; if you don’t want to become pregnant then don’t have sex! There’s a startling revelation for you.  *

THIS NOW ENDS THIS MESSAGE FROM THE EMERGENCY SOAP BOX SYSTEM. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED STORY ALREADY IN PROGRESS....

…..”God, you are so sexy when you talk politics. I just want to rip your clothes off and let you…”

“Hon, the sooner you get here, the sooner we get the voting done and move on to ‘politics and strange bedfellows’”.

A few moments later my wife came around the corner (well may be ‘came around the corner’ is too soft a description) My wife careened around the corner like a starship captain engages warp drive around a star in the effort to fold space and turn back time (I could swear I saw the already fallen leaves fly back up into the branches and turn green again). I hopped into the U.S.S. Family Minivan and off we were to the voting booths.

This year we got smart. Every time we go to vote at this location, they change the entrance and we root around the building like rats trying to navigate an 8^th grade science fair maze. Being that it was dark and with the usual lack of signs to point the way, we sat for a couple of minutes and watched the parade of lost souls as they went around the building pulling at the locked doors and then peering inside its windows hoping to spy a clue to where the party was. It didn’t take long for us to see the happy people who came from around the backside of the building straight to their cars. Target acquired. We strolled together, hand in hand to the correct entrance, saving as many poor souls along the way that we possible could.

At the sign in table I was greeted by four senior ladies.

“Last name?” demands the obvious alpha senior of the pack.

“Dudley” (a clever little alias) I say on queue as I wait for the response I know is coming.

She gives a quick smirk to her ‘partner in time’ and says “Dudley Doright?” and gives out one of those quick little snickers at what she considers a very clever remark. Her cronies tittle back obediently. I pretend not to have heard this play on my name a million times before and laugh a little on queue. She hears my laugh and thinks about how clever she is. I laugh because I know that time and space is closing in on this little gem who reminds me of every condescending librarian type that I have ever had to deal with. I sign in and leave my wife to go through act two of the performance on her own (that which does not kill you only makes you stronger).

I head over to the outside of the voting booth and hand my voting permit to a senior gentleman who is the opposite of the cauldron club I just left. While I wait for the voter ahead of me to cast their vote, we engage in a short conversation that shows him to be friendly with a good natured and jovial outlook on life. The familiar electronic ‘Ba-link’ signals the end of our conversation as the voter in the booth has finished and is ready to vacate.

I step into the chamber of democracy. The curtain closes behind me and I prepare to cast my vote.

I really don’t know why I bother. No matter who is running, No matter how great their cause may be, whoever I vote for may as well just get in their cars and head on home, stopping along the way at the local liquor store (bypassing the celebratory champagne section) and pick up a six pack of ‘I-am-a-loser-and-I’m-going-home-to-wallow-in-my-loserdom’ beer.

I have been thinking about this curse of mine some time and came up with what I thought to be a cunning plan that could not fail. I have often tried to talk myself into voting for the person that I Don’t want to win thereby ensuring my real vote (who I didn’t vote for) would win. But each time I step into the booth to enact ‘My Reverse Half Nelson Strategic Voting Plan’ I end up in a losing conversation with myself that usually goes like this:

OK, here we go!

Wait a minute. What if the universe, who is always my formidable foe and who always takes delight in helping me stumble through life, is ready to do it to me again?

Do What?

You know, do the Nutshell Scam

The what?

The Nutshell Scam. You know how when you go to the store; doesn’t matter what you are going for, but for arguments sake lets just say a DVD Player, you are careful not to take the first box accessible on the shelf because a lot of people have handled that one, no matter how good the box looks. Never go to the back of the shelf because the evil store associates are too lazy to pull older stock forward thus ensuring the ‘Older & Outdated stuff will be your reward if you are foolish to fish here. So we dig into the middle of the pile for the most pristine box that we can find because that one obviously hasn’t been overly handled, squashed, juggled, tipped, dropped or otherwise disrespected. And so you get it home set it up, turn it on and viola! You immediately realize that the universe has got you again. I could have sifted through a hundred piles over many days and the result would always be the same: I end up with a lemon and that’s because the universe will rotate those shells around to ensure I always get the wrong one. The Nutshell Scam.

Yeah but this time I have a system!

Hello; The Universe.

No No wait. Look if I  [insert hopeless idea/plan here]. So you see, I’ve come up with a cunning plan that cannot fail.

Sack of potatoes.

Sack of What? What you call me?

Not you idiot (I can’t believe we occupy the same skull). I said Sack of potatoes. Remember a few elections ago when the incumbent governor (who you wanted out in the worst way) was so low in the ratings that even their own re-election chairman stated that if the opposition put up a sack of potatoes to run against them that they would probably lose.

Yeah, so what’s your point?

My point is that you went in assured by no less than this Individuals political camp that they were destined to lose.

And?

And you voted for your candidate based on this assurance.

So?

Your candidate still lost!

Ohhh  yeah…

Not only that, but everyone including the newly re-elected Governor was stunned and likened it to a miracle.

But don’t you see (I proclaimed with a relish of victory to my voice), that only proves my point. If I had voted for the incumbent Governor, who I wanted to lose, then I would have assured that loss!

Dude, even if you voted for someone in an uncontested election, I assure you that that person would have lost. Oh sure they may have ‘won’ the election (if you can call a one horse race a win), but I guarantee that they probably would have dropped dead at the inauguration party. Face it man, the Universe loves to mess with you.

I took a deep breath of defeat. I knew that what I just said to myself was true. The Universe does take great delight in screwing with me. Now I’m not crying out the great ‘woe is me’ lament. I have a lot in my life that the universe does not mess around with. I’m not wealthy by any means, quite the opposite actually, but I’m working at a job I like which puts food on the table and a roof over our heads. More importantly, I have a wife who is beautiful inside as well as out and two healthy and basically good natured kids who do not (at least the last time I checked) appear on any wanted posters. But still, I couldn’t help but feel more than a little sorry for myself at the moment.

Then why do I even bother?

Because men and women have been sheeding blood for over two hundred years to give you the ability to stand here and cast a vote. People who do not vote a freeloaders who should be deported to the Klingon home world. They are the kind who bitch and moan about everything they see as wrong with the government but wont go out a do the simplest thing that they can do to try and make a change for the better. And to argue that they would just be throwing away a vote because it wouldn’t change anything is just plain old Bull Shit! Doesn’t matter that you are the ‘Anti Voter’, what matters is that you vote. So Vote and let’s get the hell out of here. I’m hungry God dammit!

Call it what you will; chickening out or listening to the voice of reason, I decided once again to not invoke the ‘cunning plan that cannot not fail’ and to vote for the person(s) of my choice. I do have to say that I was tempted to post my vote for the individual located to the far right of the voting panel; you know that area reserved for long shots, very long shots and the really really insane candidates. Well located off to the far right and almost beyond the scope of the lights behind the board to light it (coincidence?) was a candidate whose sole reason to run seemed to be the legalization of marijuana.

Boy was I tempted. Not because I imbibe, but because it seemed perhaps a compromise between my ‘Cunning plan which cannot fail’ and my voice of reason. But alas, I do the right thing and cast my vote correctly thereby signing the political death warrant for my candidate(s) of choice. Hell, that’s what they deserve for being Super Dud anyway.

‘Ba-link’

I generally wait until the morning to see what the election results are. It is an attempt to at least go through the night thinking that I am a winner. I got this advice from my dad who did this with lottery tickets. Pretty sound advice. Sleeping soundly as a winner is better than tossing and turning as a loser. But this night I caught the results by accident. Big surprise.

L O O O O O O O O O S S S S S S S S E E E E E E R R R R R R R R R R

I kissed my wife and turned out the lights. A half moment of silence and I ask “So who did you end up voting for?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk politics in bed” She quickly replies.

I wait another half a moment before I reply, “You voted for Marijuana Dude didn’t you”

No reply. No denial.

Just a knowing giggle.

 * See the last paragraph in my first blog entry entitled 'ProBlogue'