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January 31 My Week Of Woe - The Shape Of Things To Come“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”
~John Lennon
“In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these”
~Paul Harvey
“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life”
~George Carlin
This past week, beginning with the great snowfall that wasn’t, to just this past Sunday, was a pure and utter cyclone of crap. With nary a moment that I can say that I was able to draw a moment’s breath, the full curses of heaven rained down upon me as they had upon the weary head of Job. My week ran like that old joke that went something like:
Speaker A; “Such and such happened to me today”
Speaker B: “Oh that’s bad”
Speaker A: “No, that good because …”
Speaker B: “Oh that’s good”
Speaker A: “No, That’s bad because…”
And so on.
It all began like a herald’s proclamation of my week to be, with the commute home I had on the Thursday before last, with snow flying and the cars moving very slowly, it took me five plus hours to go a hundred and twelve miles.
Oh that’s bad.
No that good. I usually start to drift into a dreamy trance when I’m going sixty five miles an hour while driving along the most boring road on the face of the planet. But because the traffic was crawling, I never felt like I was drifting off to la-la land.
Oh that’s good.
No that’s bad. I usually have a cup of tea before I have to drive home. The caffeine doesn’t really do anything for me in the way of energy, but the simple act of drinking liquid has a way of reviving me. I usually make it home before I feel the need to hit the bathroom.
Needless to say the slow traffic put a real strain on the bladder. My teeth were really swimming and I was only 50 miles (halfway) into my sojourn home.
Oh that’s bad.
No that’s good. The road I travel home has many an exit (remember, this is New Jersey), that I can get off and find a facility to match my needs.
Oh that’s good.
No that’s bad. Of the sixty seven exits that I have a choice to take on the first leg of my march north to home, I would pick the one that has only a McDonalds listed, which is not a problem (there rest rooms are just as compatible to my immediate need as anyone else’s), but I would pick the only exit along the whole stretch that had a McDonalds with a huge banner proclaiming: ‘OPENING SOON TO SERVE YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD - APPLICATIONS NOW BEING ACCEPTED’.
My bladder was not happy.
Oh that’s bad.
No that’s good. Instead of having to get back onto the highway again to make a slow roll to the next exit which by my pee-pee clock, was one mile distant but forever and a day away, I saw a sign that stated that there was a Wendy’s 4 miles further down this marginally congested road.
Oh that’s good.
No that’s bad. While the road was lightly traveled this day, it had four hundred and eighty six traffic lights (by my bladders count), and of course I hit every single one. I was squirming so badly in my seat, that a passerby may have thought that I was channeling the spirit of James Brown. Wahhaaaaaaaa
Oh that’s bad.
No that’s good. I found an unadvertised Burger King just a little over a mile up the road.
Oh that’s good.
No that’s bad. When the snow flies, I like to play classical music; to me it is just a natural match up. I kid you not when I tell you that at the very instant I saw the Burger King to my left, the CD started to play the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s “Messiah”. Despite my great pain, I couldn’t help but to bust out laughing, which brought me closer to any other time in my entire life, to having almost completely wet my pants so close to victory. I was in such pain doing a very jerky robot like walk from the car to the rest room.
Oh that’s bad.
No that’s good. I made it to the restroom and experienced that great flush (pun intended) of intense pleasure one get from finally letting go of a great weight, and I also, as a reward for not succumbing to ‘Roadside Assistance’ (that thinly veiled attempt by men to relieve themselves by their car at the side of the road, simply because they are too lazy to get off the highway. Who do you clowns think you’re fooling anyway!), I bought myself a large vanilla milkshake and an Uber size box O’ Fries. UUuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Oh that’s good.
No that’s bad. I still had another 62 miles and three hours left until I finally got home and the reward I gave myself ended up being a death sentence to my internal plumbing.
Oh that’s bad.
Yes, it was very bad.
January 18 Haiku Friday :Snow Flies - I Crawl Snow Flies – I Crawl
I approach the door I see the snow is flying; Crappy ride ahead
Cars go very slow Yet no snow covers the ground; Squirrels laugh from tree tops
Some cars go by fast Without regard for wet road; Soon – organ donors
Ninety takes me two The last twenty takes me three; Someone’s got to die
Five hour ride home Which normally takes me two; My brain is broken.
January 17 100 Word Challenge Part III - Most Memorable New Years
The time is up on the 100 word challenge – Most Memorable New Years, so here is my entry to the last of the challenges (unless someone else takes it up). My 4 hats off to Lauren for her early entry; I love this style of poetry which somehow eludes my ability to create successfully, but I will endeavor to work on that. ... There are many New Years memories that I could have used here and certainly happier ones, but it was this particular New Years that affected me the most, because it reminds me to this day, that tomorrow is never a promise and procrastination can become a wound.
1991, with less than a minute left.
And while those around me celebrate the New Year at hand,
I wonder how to hold it back and reverse the days.
Not many
Just forty.
You were there all my life,
But now a new year dawns without you,
And I cannot understand how that can be;
The sun still rises and sets,
People still work and play.
Don't they too, feel somehow diminished?
I know you had to go
And that I could not stop the tide,
But if only I had come a little sooner,
I could have said
Goodbye.
January 12 Reclaiming LifeI was going to write about this very subject, but then I read this entry by Velvet Verbosity and then tossed the idea away; with her entry I realized that this is as good as it is going to get. January 07 Mission Implantable - 100 Word Challenge Part IIIGood Morning Mr. Phelps
The report you see before you is for the next installment of the 100 Word Challenge, which has fallen on my doorstep (following Velvet Verbosity and Women Remodeled).
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write 100 words concerning your MOST MEMORABLE NEW YEARS EVE. This report can be about a cherished, funny, sad or even hated memory of this most endearing celebration of people wondering, ‘What the Hell did I do last night and more importantly, did anyone see me doing it?’
January 16th is the deadline and the results will be posted here.
As always if you or any of your B.L.O.G. forces is stumped or late, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of you actions.
Good Luck Jim.
January 02 100 Word Challenge Part IIIt all started with Velvet Verbosity and her 100 word challenge on 'Christmas Spirit'. Now it has passed to Woman Remodeled, who has chosen for her 100 word challenge - Holiday Nostalgia.
I tried to write this out as a simple story, but once again I seem to have gotten myself stuck in one of those Rhyme-Time cycles. Hopefully it will clear with a dose of Motrin or a silver bullet.
100 Words On Holiday Nostalgia – Oh Christmas Tree
I think that I shall never see
A Christmas like when I was wee,
Mother and father would fight all night long
To stand right the tree, whose base was all wrong.
No matter the time spent looking over the crop
To find the best tree at the Christmas tree shop,
Once it was picked and in our abode
All the fun for my parents seemed to erode.
Cutting, chopping and sawing at it
They’d curse up a storm, so mad they could spit,
Today looking back, we all laugh with delight
Thinking of those long ago Christmas Eve nights.
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